I’ve been monumentally ill this week. Not looking for pity, but something in my environment triggered an asthma attack of note and I was forced to call the local ambulance for relief and oxygen. They were excellent, efficient and I am very grateful to them, however, their presence outside my house was noted by the criminal lowlifes who chose that night to break into my garage.
But I digress. The issue is the allergen that triggered the asthma attack of note. I am not some wussy city asthmatic that gets a conniption when I’m exposed to the countryside. I grew up in the country, where veld fires were a regular Sunday event. There was no trash pickup, so the “hole” containing our household waste was set alight by my pyromaniac mother on a regular basis. I’m South African. We roast meat over open coals. I’ve been a heavy smoker of various comestibles for 30 years. Ergo, I have invincible iron lungs, so an asthma attack such as the one I experienced was rather an unpleasant surprise.
Trying to identify the trigger was rather difficult. Canola? Crop spraying? Black wattle? Spring pollen? Roundup? Feces?
The day before I had the attack, I cut the grass outside my garage very short, using sheep shears, delicately lifting the “dog and cat feces” and placing them in bags for removal. Imagine my surprise on Saturday morning to see two young women hunkered over my newly cut grass with their pants around their ankles, eyes watering as they pinched out some rather pathetic and unhealthy looking specimens. In broad daylight. Saturday morning, busiest day of the week with moms and prams and dads and bicycles passing by.
When I went outside to ask them if they might want to use an inside toilet like human beings, they let loose with some of the pungent language that is common in these parts. I took out my camera and pretended to take their photograph, whereupon these choice young ladies, ran off giggling, covering their faces.
Clearly I need to replace the grass outside my garage with something a little less soft and inviting. The only question is – nettles or cacti?